Why “Quality Time” Isn’t Enough to Keep Families Connected
We’ve bought into the myth that true connection only happens during the big, perfect moments: the fancy Sunday brunch, the elaborate 'Family Fun Night,' or the annual unplugged vacation. We wait for these "Big Moments" to appear, and while we’re waiting, we’re missing the 1,000 tiny opportunities for connection right in front of us.
The truth is, connection isn't a destination we reach once we finish our endless To-Do list. If you're like me—juggling a career, writing, and raising kids—that list never ends. If we wait for "Quality Time" to happen, we’re essentially telling our families, "I’ll be fully yours once the world stops spinning." But the world doesn't stop.
This pressure is the reason so many parents feel stressed out and guilty, even when they do manage to schedule a block of "Quality Time."
The Presence Pivot
This is why I'm introducing a new approach called The Presence Pivot. It’s not about doing more. It’s about doing what you’re already doing... differently.
My latest book, How Mamas Show Love, is really about what I call the 'Theology of the Ordinary.' It’s the idea that God is as present in the carpool lane as in the cathedral. And that love is expressed just as loudly through small acts—like folding laundry or driving the carpool lane—as it is in big declarations. Connection is not about the quantity of minutes; it's about the quality of your attention within those minutes.
The key to deep, lasting family connection is shifting from chasing Quality Time to practicing Quality Presence.
Your Pivot Challenge: Square Shoulders
The simplest way to practice the Presence Pivot is with a 60-second, science-backed technique I call the Square Shoulders challenge.
Instead of waiting for the 'perfect' time, you can integrate small, powerful shifts into your daily routine. Here are three simple ways to start your Presence Pivot this week:
In the Car: Instead of checking your phone at the red light, use that pause to say a 10-second prayer for the person in the backseat. This switches your focus from external distraction to internal connection.
During Conversation: Instead of multitasking while your child or spouse tells you about their day, practice the "Square Shoulders" challenge. Stop what you are doing and turn your whole body toward them for 60 seconds. This simple act of attention says, "You are more important than my To-Do list."
At Mealtime: Instead of waiting for "Family Dinner" to connect, find a moment of shared joy in the mundane. Turn on a song you both love while you are unloading the dishwasher together.
This approach proves that connection is about the quality of your attention in those minutes, not the quantity of scheduled time.
This isn't just a warm and fuzzy idea; it's rooted in mindful parenting research which shows that focused attention, even for brief periods, reduces parental stress and helps children feel secure and emotionally regulated. You are signaling, "You are more important than my to-do list."
I encourage you to try this all week. Did it feel awkward? Did they even notice? Let’s stop waiting for the 'perfect' time and start reclaiming the time we have.
📚 Want to Dive Deeper?
For a head start on how you express your love every day in the ordinary moments, check out my book, How Mamas Show Love: https://a.co/d/06NvD3RL