The Art of the Check-In
How to move beyond 'How are you?' to have genuinely meaningful daily conversations
Is there someone in your life who you would like to have better conversations with? Stay in touch in a more meaningful way? We’ve all been there - whether it’s a moody teenager, a friend from college, your partner or spouse at the end of the day, or really anyone with whom you want to keep in touch, but you just find yourself going back over the same. three. words. all. the. time. This blog is for you.
Spoiler alert: The #1 thing I hope you take away from this article is that the most important thing you can do is to take action. Make the call, send the text, release the carrier pigeon with your message. Right words or not - for sure you won’t stay in touch if one of you doesn’t take the initiative. And you’re the one reading this article so, TAG! You’re it!
All you need to check-in with someone is to ask a good question.
But let’s take a nanosecond to talk about why you want to keep in touch in the first place. Maybe you’re feeling some emotional distance or experiencing a physical separation, perhaps you’re bored or have run out of things to say. The truth is, relationships take work. It takes effort to keep a relationship alive and thriving. So good on you for making the effort!
Moving Beyond "How Are You?"
Let’s set the stage. Your phone is in your hand. You’re either ready to type or it’s already ringing. Where to start the conversation? Please don’t start with, “How are you?” In many of us, that question generates an automatic response: “I’m fine. How are you?” To which you reply, “Fine, thanks.” And just like that, your conversation is finished in 4.7 seconds flat (yes, I timed it). It’s time to spice up your openers. Maybe you can start with something you saw or thought of that reminded you about the other person. If that’s the case, tell them!
Instead, if you need a good conversation starter, you can also surprise them with a question or two like some of these:
What was the most interesting part of your day/week? The most challenging?
What was/is the best part about…. (last week, your weekend, a course they’re taking, etc)?
What's been on your mind lately?
What do you like about….. (the new store in town, that fishing spot, your sports team, etc)?
What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen in a while?
What's making you smile these days?
What's something you're looking forward to?
What's a recent win you've had, big or small?
The goal is to move the conversation towards the other person’s feelings and thoughts, and not only talk about their schedule. Open-ended questions can be a good way to do this. They encourage the other person to share more than simply facts. Maybe, just maybe, you can get a glimpse of what’s happening in their inner world, which is what’s most important.
Making It Actionable
Some people love spontaneity and keeping things fresh. Others prefer some structure and need some expectation-setting. If you or your check-in-ee is the latter, you might consider setting a regular cadence together like, we’ll connect every day for a 10 minute phone call, or send a daily voice message on Voxer or What’sApp, or I’ll send you a text after dinner. Talk about the specific time of day that’s most conducive to a meaningful check-in, like on your commute home after work, for example. Or could you decide when you’ll connect on a Sunday afternoon, looking at both schedules for the upcoming week?
Sometimes it’s helpful for both parties to have a formula to follow, like “High/Low/Buffalo,” in which you share the high point of the day, the low point, and something unusual that happened or that you saw (the “buffalo”). That can take the pressure off any one side to always have a new way to star the conversation.
What if you’re on the receiving end of the check-in? First of all, be grateful someone cares enough to want to spend time with you, whether virtually or in person! When someone reaches out, it’s important to be open and gracious, even if it may be an inconvenient time. Relationships take work on both sides; it takes two to tango, after all!
Now It’s Your Turn
And there you have it - the easy-peazy method to meaningful conversations on the regular. Maybe. I hope so anyway. I hope this has given you some ideas or inspiration on how your next check-in can move away from the schedules to what’s more important, the inner workings of the other person. The right words will come, whether or not they’re as original or clever as you’d like. So make the call, send the text. They’ll be happy to hear from you.